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60 min: A free kick for United, 30 yards out in the centre, leads to naught but head tennis in the area. Eventually Albrighton clears down the left, but is upended by Hernandez, who goes into the book for the late tackle. There was no malice, but he was late. ''Hodgson's Liverpool' sounds like a dire medical condition from which the patient does not often recover,' writes Dr Ian Copestake.
56 min: Nani miscontrols a beautiful crossfield pass from Carrick, the ball bouncing out for a goal kick. If he'd trapped the ball, that would have been a dangerous position for United. Villa Park cheers loudly. Nani has the battle fever on, if his furrowed brow is anything to go by. Which it is.
54 min: Villa have started this half brilliantly. Downing skitters down the left and whips a lovely cross over to the far post. Coming in from the right, Albrighton heads down, past Van der Sar, but wide left of goal. It wasn't an easy header, and he steered it pretty well to get it past the keeper, but nevertheless it has to go down as a great chance spurned.
52 min: Going up for a high ball, Nani sticks an arm into Warnock's face. He should be sent off - there wasn't much contact, but a shedload of intent, the winger checking where Warnock was three times before flinging his arm - but gets away with a yellow.
50 min: Nani goes down on the right wing looking for a free kick. It is a totally pathetic crumble, nobody about him, the referee not having a bar of it. Bannan moves into the box from the left and rolls the ball to Ashley Young, who ten yards out attempts to turn and shoot. His effort is blocked. Albrighton, coming in from the right, sends a shapshot into the side netting.
48 min: United pass it around a lot, but get nowhere. Villa will be perfectly happy to let them pootle about like this.
And we're off again! Villa set the ball rolling. They'll have been happy enough with the first half, given the youthfulness of their team, and start with a burst of confidence. Ashley Young tears down the right, but his cross is to no-one. Then, seconds later, the same player romps into the United half. He's got the chance to set Albrighton free down the right, but plays an awful ball behind the young winger and the momentum is lost.
Half-time entertainment:
The Ballad of Martin Nelson: the best short film about a Hamilton Academical winger from the late 1980s you're likely to see today.
HALF TIME: Aston Villa 0-0 Manchester United. Well that was awful. United were the better side, but didn't force Friedel into making a single save. Van der Sar, on the other hand, had to smother a shot from Ashley Young, and rely on Ferdinand to stop a Downing effort arrowing into the net. Hmm.
45 min: Downing cuts inside from the left again, but this time screws a terrible shot so wide it bounces out for a throw on the right. 'Is it only me,' begins Greg Scully, 'but does the current vogue of referring to Merseyside's most successful team as 'Hodgson's Liverpool' have less of the ring of 'Olivier's MacBeth' and more of a 'Sinclair's C5' resonance?'
43 min: Downing cuts inside from the left, drops a shoulder to evade Berbatov, and watches as his shot, arrowing towards the top-right corner, is deflected wide right by a late lunge from Ferdinand. The resulting corner is... taken, that's the best I can say about it.
39 min: Carrick, just to the right of the Villa D, drags a low shot wide left, with Collins bearing down on him. Friedel still hasn't had a save to make, though United have been the better team by some distance. 'Rob Moline is right that anyone like Bolton or Newcastle could finish in the top four this season,' writes Robin Hazlehurst, 'which will make it even more depressing when the top four at the end of the season are Chelsea, Arsenal, Man Utd and Liverpool, with City fifth, as it inevitably will turn out be.'
36 min: Luke Young has a rare old go at Hernandez for some minor matter. Not giving the ball back after an offside was awarded, or something. The two go nose to nose for a while, then in comes Fletcher to calm things down in the trademark Scottish style. But his chest barges don't appear to work. Park wades in, as does Collins and Dunne. It's all over as quickly as it starts, the referee exhaling one long sigh and telling all these grown men to bugger off and get on with their jobs.
33 min: Brilliance, then utter uselessness, from Manchester United. Nani takes a free kick, 30 yards out. Shaping to shoot, he instead rolls the ball down the left, setting Evra free. Once he's level with the six-yard area he zips a low ball into the centre. It's a beautifully worked free kick, so simple yet devestating. And, of course, not a single white-with-Daily-Mail-approved-poppy shirt is running into the danger zone in an attempt to poke home. The ball sails out of play on the other wing. Evra waves his arms around in semaphore fashion, with a World-Cup-2010-style mood on.
31 min: A GOALKEEPER HAS TO DO SOMETHING!!! Ferdinand sloppily allows Agbonlahor to win a header under a long ball sent straight down the middle. The ball drops to Young on the edge of the area, just to the left of goal. The striker hits a low drive towards the bottom-left corner, Van der Sar going down well to save.
29 min: Another free kick for Manchester United on the right. It doesn't beat the first man. This game is terrible. 'Stoke City circa 1984 would probably be sitting second in the table this year,' suggests Rob Moline. 'Apart from Chelsea, the top teams - Man U, the Arse, Liverpool, Spurs, Citeh - all look flaky, as likely to lose to poor opposition as not,' he continues, a week after Chelsea lost to Roy Hodgson's Liverpool. 'This year looks like the year a Bolton or West Brom or Newcastle could sneak into the top four with a sustained run of fair-to-reasonable form.'
25 min: Young takes a quick corner from the right. It's too quick for United, and too quick for all his Villa team-mates too. Neither keeper has had to get properly involved in the action yet. 'A player like Barry Bannan has to give the Scottish fans hope!' exclaims George Templeton. 'Villa fans have taken to him very quickly!' That's too many exclamation marks for my liking, Templeton. Two, to be precise. And anyway, don't be wasting precious hope on Scotland fans. Nobody will know what to do with it.
21 min: From a free kick sent in from the right, Brown tries to Lee Sharpe a backflick into the net. He finds some of it, but only the stuff at the side. 'Been a lot of talk about this Villa centre midfield having the collective age of a foetus, but does it not strike you as one of those moments when they both announce themselves to the Premiership, and remain large figures there for 20 years, much like Scholes and Giggs?' wonders Luke Stevenson. 'Or one gets sent off and the other gets injured and we never hear of either of them again until we get served by them in the nearest McDonalds to the Villa stadium? Either way, I quite like to poetry of it all.'
19 min: Bannan is booked for bundling over Hernandez. 'A bit of creative thinking is needed regarding your TV issue, I think,' writes Tom Hopkins. 'Perhaps a Partridgesque deployment of a mirror might do the trick?' Less than 20 minutes in, and we're already resorting to jokes about desperate motel-based onanism. The only way is up, but then that's been the case for quite a while.
17 min: What a miss by Dimitar Berbatov. Collins misplaces a pass in midfield. Hernandez streams forward, then releases Berbatov clear down the inside-left channel. The striker prods the ball wide left of goal with only Friedel to beat. That is very poor indeed.
15 min: Bannon slides a delicious pass down the inside-left channel to set Downing free into the United area. But the winger fannies around and his shot-cum-cross is bundled out for a corner. Which, needless to say, is wasted. Set pieces in professional football, eh?
12 min: Nani cuts inside from the right and from the edge of the area unleashes a shot for the top-left corner that only just rises over the bar. A very decent effort that doesn't get much of a response from anyone at all in the crowd, not even the United fans who are busying themselves with singing their Christmas song, the Twelve Days of Eric Cantona.
9 min: Villa are trying to set the fast lads up front, Agbonlahor and Young, scooting free down either wing. With not much success. This is textbook Houllier. Enjoy, Villa fans, enjoy!
6 min: Nani in acres of space down the right. His cross is perfect, flying through the six-yard box, but nobody in white-with-Daily-Mail-approved-poppies can get on the end of it. United have started with the confidence of a team who now know they could play like Stoke City circa 1984 yet still win every single weekend.
4 min: Richard Dunne takes an awful swipe of fresh air in his own box, trying to clear a weak and aimless Hernandez pass. He nearly lets Nani in, but the Manchester United winger miscontrols and the big defender gets away with his mistake.
2 min: Warnock tries to set Agbonlahor free down the left, but Brown is all over the situation. 'Great to hear SAF in his pre-match interview say that Paul Scholes fifth yellow of the season was a soft booking,' writes George Templeton. 'Has there ever been a Paul Scholes booking that could be described as soft? Ever?'
And we're off! On Sky, Martin Tyler has done that 'It's lllllliiiiivvvveeeee!' growl in the style of Tony the Kelloggs Tiger. Why has he started doing this? What's up, Martin? Do you want to talk about whatever it is that's bothering you? Anyway, off in the distance, a football match appears to have started. United knock it around for a bit.
12.47pm: The minute's silence of Remembrance.
Kick off: 12.45pm. This computer I'm sat at says it's 12.46pm, which is slightly worrying. MediaGuardian, always ahead of the game.
Guardian Uselessness Disclaimer: Someone has put a screwdriver through the electric wire bringing Sky Sports 2 to the sports desk, so I'm sitting in MediaGuardianLand at the only other TV in the entire gaff I can pick up this match on. And it doesn't matter which computer I sit at, this particular set is bolted in a position which makes it impossible to watch for more than 17 seconds without my neck snapping clean back to leave my skull hanging sadly in the breeze. I realise none of you care whatsoever about any of this, but I thought it best to fess up that this report is going to be even more amateurish than usual. And if I grind to a complete standstill, no new entries posted, you'll know I'm in an ambulance.
Referee: Mike Dean (Wirral)
Man Utd: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Park, Fletcher, Carrick, Nani, Hernandez, Berbatov.
Subs: Amos, Smalling, Fabio Da Silva, O'Shea, Obertan, Macheda, Gibson.
Aston Villa: Friedel, Luke Young, Dunne, Collins, Warnock, Albrighton, Hogg, Bannan, Downing, Ashley Young, Agbonlahor.
Subs: Guzan, Delfouneso, Osbourne, Lichaj, Herd, Lowry, Johnson.
As for United, Paul Scholes is out after picking up his fifth booking for being the worst tackler in the history of All Football during whatever that was his team and Manchester City served up midweek. Javier Hernandez is recalled, though.
Still, they've got a team packed full of kids today, for whom history may be of little interest. Midfielder Jonathan Hogg makes his debut, with youth team captain Daniel Johnson and Australian duo Chris Herd and Shane Lowry on the bench. And Gabriel Agbonlahor's back.
One win in 29, though. Who do they think they are? Spurs?
Problem is, he's now managing Aston Villa. Villa have won only one of their last 29 Premier League meetings with United.
Gerard Houller once beat Manchester United five times in a row. Only Arsène Wenger has more Premier League victories as a manager against United (nine to five). All looks promising for Ged today, then.
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